no matter what perspective my life is put in, no matter how many hang outs i have, i doubt my life will get better. oddly enough too, everything seems to be going great.

exhibit a... xREPRESENTx is going to be recording our full length in december, (16-18th) and hopefully we can get that shit pressed and released soon because i'm really excited about it.

exhibit b... I need 2 A's to get into the teaching program in Edinboro and i nailed one of them. and the other is in a German Class. should be no fucking problem.

exhibit c... I may be able to get this cool ass job with RedBull that starts at 10 an hour, i'd just be passin it out. Fuck yea. I mean i hate that shit, and i dont drink caffeine drinks, but... ehh... whatever. For 10 bucks an hour and a flexy schedule, sounds like a winner.

exhibit d... Hung out with j dubbs (josh buck) for the past 3 days. maybe we'll even hang out tonight again. shit'll always be good, plus we know we can always bitch to each other abuot our situation. we're not going through the exact same thing, but painful nonetheless. well... sorta for him. not really. whatever!

exhibit e... Marielle has called me 3 times in the last week. Odd?? Well, it's cool, even if it's always when i'm sleeping. shit dont matter. i love talking to her.

So with all this, you figure i'd see this as a fucking high point. MAybe some of you think i'm dumb, maybe some of you think i need to suck it up and live life. but no matter what advice i've been given, none of it seems to help. and i know its good advice, really good advice. laing down and dying was never my only option in life, but now it seems it is.

Sorry if any of you are disappointed. I'm disappointed myself. i dont want to feel like this, but i have no other way to feel. As per usual, when i'm focused, i'm focused for good. and there's nothing i can do the direct my focus elsewhere, because everything just calls attention to the real matter at hand anyway. I'm pathetic. but you already knew that.